Does this look Familiar to you, ben ?
Oh, wow, guess who ?
That's right-- you and i, We used to play this--
guess who ? wow. Yeah !
We used to play this when You were a little guy.
Where'd you find that ?
Found it in The linen closet.
When was i a little guy ?
Well, briefly.
Since when do we have A linen closet ?
We've always had The linen closet.
Where the hell am i ?
You wanna play one ?
Okay-- you wanna go first ?
Okay.
You remember How this goes ?
Yeah, dad, i kinda-- I have a vague memory
Of not liking this game.
Just one game, Ben, please.
All right, you pick, Did you shuffle ?
I shuffled-- I shuffled, i picked.
You pick a card now.
I picked.
Okay, don't Let me see it.
Is your guy-- does your Guy wear a hat ?
No-- you know, Now i remember
Why i hated playing this--
All these faces Staring at me.
So you know What i'm doing ?
I'm flipping down all The guys with hats.
I know.
Okay, so you go.
Does your guy-- is your guy Wearing a hat ?
No, my guy isn't Wearing a hat, either.
Okay, flip, flip.
Okay-- well, Somebody is ahead.
Does your guy Wear glasses ?
No.
Why did it take you so long To answer that question ?
Well, because there's A possibility
He's wearing contacts, Or he needs glasses.
Well, that was Not the question.
Okay, he's not wearing Glasses at the moment.
Okay, does your guy have--
Wait, i get to ask.
Oh, that's right, I'm sorry, i forgot.
Is your guy-- Is he wearing glasses ?
No, my guy is not Wearing glasses.
Okay, not wearing glasses.
Also not The greatest question.
Ben, is your guy franz ?
You're just going For the win ?
Yeah-- have i, in fact, Guessed who your guy is ?
You did guess.
Okay. It's franz.
Another game ?
No-- how did you guess,
Because there was only two Questions, and all your--
I know, but you Play this for awhile--
It's like a sixth sense, You know what i mean ?
That's not fair, Guessing like that.
Well, what's the name Of the game, ben ?
guess who ?
So i think, without Consulting the rule book,
That i did nothing wrong.
That's the part of The game i don't like--
The guessing, and The questions,
And the way the board's Set up.
Do you like The flipping them over ?
I guess so-- I like the sound.
Admit it. All right.
Laura, ben didn't call, Did he ?
No, dr. Katz, He did not call.
Okay.
Do you want me to tell you When people don't call ?
Because i can do that.
No, i was just wondering.
So we'll stick With the old system.
Okay, as soon as he does call, Will you interrupt me ?
What ?
If i'm with a patient Or anything,
Will you interrupt me ?
For what ? To talk to ben.
I know, i'm just kidding.
You like to kid around With me, don't you, laura ?
I do, i like to have fun.
( Coughing )
You okay ?
Yeah.
'Cause that sounds Like a nasty cough.
How long have you Had that ?
A few days.
Well, take care of yourself.
Maybe i should-- Maybe i should go home.
Don't panic, just take care Of yourself.
So, yeah, I'm jewish, not serious,
Not a serious jew, Obviously.
I don't wear the protective Religious headgear.
Lot of jews wear that.
My brother actually Wears a yarmulke.
He has a yarmulke That's knitted--
He's so proud of it-- "my Girlfriend made it for me."
That's great-- you ever think She was making you a sweater,
And just thought, "Screw it" ?
I travel-- i like to travel.
I went to israel, Which is-- i tell you,
Boy, they're cocky there-- God was born there,
So there's no Talking to those people.
I mean, i'm from jersey, We got springsteen,
So it's a different thing.
But you get off The plane in israel,
And immediately, they're like, "Welcome to israel...
The holy land."
I'm like, "great, i'm from America, home of the whopper."
It's discouraging,
'Cause it's not like Regular jews over there.
It's not your let-me-help-you- Fill-out-your-tax-forms jews.
It's the will-you- Hold-my-machine-gun
While-i-take-a-leak jews, They're very tough.
You know, i think the Reason that jews are bitter
Is we have to sit through All those t.V. Shows
Around christmas, and They're always the same.
It's always the same show--
"Sorry, billy, Doesn't look like
There's gonna be a christmas This year, but wait !"
( Bells jingling )
You know, Jews have holidays.
We've got holidays.
I stay home sometimes, And i don't even know why.
I just stay home, You know ?
We have great holi-- Yom kippur ?
Jewish day of atonement.
You don't eat for one day,
All your sin for the year Is wiped clean.
Beat that with your lent-- Is it 40 days ?
Even in sin, They're paying retail.
Yeah.
Bargain with the man-- He's a reasonable man.
I used to remember passover When i was a kid.
I went to An elementary school
That was all italian And irish, you know ?
And i'd show up on passover With matzo
And a boiled egg On spaghetti day, you know ?
Fitzpatrick twins would be Sitting across from me like,
"What do you gotta eat Them crackers for ?"
All i could think was, "Years ago,
"My people were slaves In the land of egypt,
"And moses came forth Unto pharaoh and said,
"'Let my people go,' and then We fled through the desert
To the promised land."
"Yeah, what do you gotta Eat them crackers for ?"
So, finally, i just, i told Them i had stomach cancer,
And couldn't Have anything spicy.
Last night, i'm playing This game with ben,
A board game--
Yeah.
That we used to play When he was little,
And he was winning,
And then i happened To see the card
That he was Concealing from me
Reflected in the t.V. Set, so I guessed the winning card.
Wait, wait, wait-- What are you telling me here,
You "guessed" The winning card ?
You just said you saw it.
I knew it was information
I wasn't supposed To have quite then.
What are you saying here, You cheated ?
I cheated him at the game, And i won.
You cheated your son At a board game ?
Yeah, can you keep It down a little bit ?
( Deeper voice ) You cheated your son At a board game ?
Take it up a notch.
( Higher voice ) You cheated your son At a board game ?
No, really--
Wait.
You saw it And you used it ?
Did i just hear you say You cheated ?
You cheated ben ?
Well, what you heard Was stanley
Repeating what i had Told him in confidence.
Yeah, but you said it.
Can one of you play The part of ben,
So i can rehearse the Confession scene with him ?
Sure, i mean, i'll try My best-- go ahead.
Hey, ben.
( Imitating ben ) Hi, dad.
Uh, you know that game We played last night ?
Yeah.
I cheated.
That's good.
I meant to tell you, I cheated.
I saw the reflection Of your card in the t.V.
What are you saying to me ?
I'm saying i cheated at The game, and i'm sorry,
And i hope that you Can forgive me--
Good.
And that i haven't, in any way, Destroyed your trust in me.
My world is crumbling.
I don't think my world Will ever be the same again.
I think i'm gonna Kill myself.
I think you're being too-- That's too much.
I'm just trying to give him The worst-case scenario,
You know, 'cause He's worried about it.
Julie, you wanna Take a stab at it ?
I don't like his Interpretation of ben.
I didn't think you would.
Hi, ben.
Hi, dad.
Ooh.
Son, what an incredibly Sultry voice you have.
( Laughing )
Ritch shydner here for a 1:00 Appointment with dr. Katz.
Mm-hm.
Let me ask you a question.
Does everybody Come through here,
They look nuts ? I mean, do i look nuts ?
Could you take a seat, Please ?
Can i pace ? Is it okay if i pace ?
Would it bother you If i just pace ?
Slightly.
All right, go out in The hallway and pace ?
Would you come yell for me When it's my time ?
No.
What do you think ?
I'm not sure how to Live with myself now.
I feel terrible-- I really, you know.
Well, let's find out-- Let's approach that.
First of all, what's Going on in your life ?
Why did you suddenly get It into your mind
To play this game, And playing the game,
Why did you have to cheat ?
I just-- there was the winning Card glaring right at me,
And i just blurted it out.
To be my own One-man support group,
Think of all the Wonderful things
That you've done for ben.
I mean, ben is a real pain In the ass !
So i should Just sit down ?
Mm-hm.
All right, you mind If i tap my foot ?
Mm-hm.
Okay, can't tap my foot, And i can't pace, huh ?
Uh-uh.
( Sighs ) This is a tough waiting room.
It's tough love.
Do you think there's Something to be gained
By coming clean And telling him
That i won the game By cheating ?
I would think that honesty Is probably the best policy.
I think you Gotta tell him.
I'd feel much better.
All right-- i'm constipated.
Dr. Katz, You're bald, right ?
I'm "bald-ing."
Yeah, see, i admire the fact That you went bald,
And just let it go bald.
I feel bad-- Something i can't change.
I had hair transplants, And i was 27,
And i had hair transplants.
Now, it's, like,
'Cause i went in there, And the doctor's, like,
"Hey, don't worry About these hair transplants.
"We're gonna put 'em Behind your hairline,
So no one will ever actually Notice them."
What he failed to tell me Was five years later,
My hairline would Not be there.
Now i'm walking around
With a picket fence sitting On top of my head.
I want to go back in to The guy,
"Why don't you put A couple little houses,
Little trees up there ? Let's do a whole thing."
I know that i'm Getting older,
And my wife got pregnant With our second child,
And we had to Go out and buy a minivan.
It's all over for me !
Dr. Katz, It's all over for me !
You get a minivan, There's no turning back.
You get a minivan, they just Strip you down, hose you off,
And throw you Out of "coolville,"
'Cause you're never gonna be Back there again.
It was different--
Even though we had A four-door ford taurus,
Every once in awhile, i could Be all alone in the car,
I could take A turn a little tight.
I could still fantasize-- "Yeah, i got a sports car."
But i'm driving around The road in that minivan,
I'm like, "doot, doot, doot, Doot, doot, doot."
Hey, ben.
Hey, dad, why the call ?
Just checking in, Just a father--
How'd you know I'd be home ?
I've had good luck the last Eight, ten, 12 years,
Catching you in.
Well, it's just coincidence.
No hidden agenda-- Just a dad calling up a boy,
Saying hi.
Not just any boy, right ?
No, of course-- his boy.
Oh, dad.
Yeah, 'cause we didn't Get a chance to talk
After the game last night.
I feel like There's something--
I don't have a whole heck Of a lot of time here, dad.
Something that i need To say to you about it.
Dad, it's a game for kids, You know ?
I don't like Always winning at games.
Well, you don't always win.
No, i do.
You do ?
Yeah, you're not great At the board games.
My question was, as a kid,
I guess, playing that game Last night brought up some--
Issues ?
Some issues-- it's that when i Was a kid, you never really--
You didn't play Real games with me.
I mean, Not like physical games.
Like, we didn't play catch.
Well, that's because Neither of us
Really like To sweat that much.
I guess that's true.
No, dad, i just wish That maybe, you know,
That you had been more Athletically active with me.
Well, we used to go Camping once a year.
I'm talking about catch, dad.
You know what That is, right ?
Catch always seemed, to me,
The most pointless Of all games.
I have a ball--
Yeah.
I'm prepared to give it up, So i toss it to you.
Right.
What happens ?
I catch it ?
You catch it-- Throw it back.
And immediately, it becomes My responsibility again.
( Laughing )
Hey, laura.
Hi.
Ben here, How you doing ?
Fine. Yeah.
You look well.
Can i help you With something ?
Hey, you know, as a kid, Laura, as a kid,
Did your mom and dad,
Did they take you To a lot of games
And do a lot of stuff With you, like play catch ?
I'm just wondering, 'Cause my dad--
I've been thinking back, And i'm realizing,
My dad never even Took me to a ball game.
Did you like baseball ?
No, no.
What's your point ?
Wanna go to the ball game ?
No.
I'm just saying That most of the games
I did play with my dad Were indoors,
You know, like, board games.
Right-- well, you're kind of An indoor kind of kid.
I'll tell you, You know how hard it is
To find a good Pickup board game
With the guys nowadays ?
I mean, i'm 24 years old.
Right.
And it's not The most popular request.
You got a point there.
I don't mean to Take up your time.
Yes, you do.
You can hang up at any time, And i'll keep talking.
Okay.
All right, fading out.
It's so hard-- You hear people complaining,
Like you hear people, like The queen of england
Will be complaining On the t.V., You know--
"I've had a horrible year."
And you just think, well, You live in a palace.
Any year you Live in a palace,
That's a pretty good year, Isn't it ?
I mean, i live in A one-room apartment.
I can sit on my toilet, Turn on the t.V.,
And shut the Front door without moving.
I don't think americans Understand royalty.
I just think-- you Know, if a british person
Sees a man wearing a crown, They think,
"Oh, it's the king,"
Whereas if an American person
Sees a man wearing a crown, They think, "jughead."
What is the changing Of the guard ?
It's people getting off work.
That's the americans Running down to the school.
"The new janitors Are in at 4:00 !
Try and make them smile !"
I watch the weather channel, Constantly.
It's very soothing, But it's really--
These guys are Too excited about it,
And they're saying, "the Historic winter of '96,
"You'll be able To tell your children
And your grandchildren About it."
Yeah, i can't wait for that.
There's nothing That kids love better
Than weather stories From old people.
"Grandpa, tell us again about The time it was cold !"
"Oh, your grandmother And i had to wear hats."
I like living here In the city.
I feel safe here, 'Cause i got that chain
That goes from the wall To the door.
You put that on at night,
And that just says To criminals,
"Hey, you're Not getting in here
Unless you push With your hand."
So, ben, some waffles ?
Um, is this morning ?
Yeah, this is morning.
You know, sometimes, i can't Even tell anymore, dad.
You wanna play "let's have Dinner for breakfast" today ?
Or how about another round Of guess who ?
Oh, come on, dad, i don't Wanna play guess who ?
I'll play One more game, if you want.
Dad, i know you will, But you know,
But you've been Playing too much.
You're all-- I'm hooked on it.
I'm all played out, To be honest with you.
It's like the old days.
Yeah, but you know what ? I'm not a kid anymore.
I don't have the energy.
If you want, I'll play another game.
I can't play Another game, dad.
Why is that ?
I broke my half Of the board.
I took apart the board,
And i broke it up Into little pieces.
I just don't want you To think that--
I'm not gonna go out and buy Another copy of guess who ?
If you're gonna break it.
I won't break it again,
I just don't want you To think i'm a sore loser.
I just broke it because--
You know how i like To break things
And then put Them back together ?
Oh, is that what You were trying to do ? No.
So you cheated that first time When you picked franz,
And that was cheating ?
Yes.
How did you cheat ?
You were sitting In front of the t.V.,
And i saw the reflection--
Off the t.V. Off the t.V. Set.
Good, good, good.
You know how to Cheat really well.
You can hate me, if you want, But in fact, i wish you would.
I don't hate you, dad-- I'm bigger than that.
It's only childhood.
I just can't believe that you Would cheat on your own son.
I mean, not only Did you cheat--
Well, there was No one else around !
Yeah, you should have Had more kids.
Spread the pain ?
You know, ben, i am So disgusted with myself.
If you want me to stay Somewhere else tonight,
I understand totally.
I think that maybe That might be--
That it might Be hard for you
To look at the man who did This to you tonight,
Because you may not wanna See me face-to-face tonight.
As a matter of fact, After what i've learned,
I'm thinking that maybe That's a good idea--
We should stay Apart for awhile.
You know what, tonight is Not a great night for this.
But if i can make this offer, If you would extend--
Give me A little leeway here.
You want to stay out Tomorrow night, maybe.
If that would work for you.
Yeah-- well, Tomorrow night, actually,
Is the night we usually Watch t.V. Together.
Maybe saturday night.
You'll stay Out of the house ?
I'll stay out all night.
Where are you gonna stay ?
Probably at the hilton.
I love the hilton, You mind if i come along ?
Not at all.
We'll stay in The same hotel room.
Okay-- you're not making This easy for me, ben.
I understand, dad, But i have to be hard on you.
After what you did to me ?
Let's make it a whole weekend At the hilton.
Okay, I deserve it.
And we'll have that special Sunday brunch you love.
All you can eat For 1,500 bucks ?
Everything's changed.
When we had kids, Everything changed.
You know, I'm nuts about money now.
I was never nuts about Money before.
What happened ?
My wife became pregnant, i Instantly turned into my dad.
I found myself walking around The house,
Turning off light switches.
"Anybody in this room ?
"Anybody coming Through this room,
"Or are we just lighting up The whole neighborhood here ?
"'Cause i got a 75-watter Up there,
"But i can Drop right down to 50
If you people can't handle Responsibility."
What happens-- I got married, my wife--
What is it ? I'm supposed to have never
Have gone out with Another woman before ?
Everything's supposed to be Wiped from my memory ?
I mess up once in awhile.
You know, like i call her The wrong name.
I do that, You know, i've done it.
I go, "hey, sarah," She goes, "sarah ?"
I go, "yeah, 'sarah' another Soda in the refrigerator ?"
Like i try to cover, It's ridiculous.
I should just say, "Yeah, you did suddenly
Remind me of a woman I used to date."
What's wrong with that ? What's wrong with that ?
Dr. Katz, What's wrong with that ?
Is there a discount If i have to wake you ?
My wife wants me to go shopping With her after this.
Yeah.
I don't understand that.
I mean, why does she Want me to go shopping ?
She knows that i'm no good Shopping with her.
She's gonna do stuff Like try different things on.
Right.
I mean, as soon as she Comes out of the dressing room
With the first thing on, to me, It's like a bank robbery.
"Let's go, that's the one, Let's go, get in the car !
"Come on, it's double-parked And running !
Let's go, let's go !"
I mean, it's totally different For guy shopping.
I mean, Here's how a guy shops:
He's standing outside, He goes, "i'm cold."
He goes in the store, Buys a coat, walks out--
"I'm not cold anymore," Shopping's over !
I love the summer,
But it makes me nuts Driving around my wife,
Because she can Spot a garage sale--
She can see a 3 x 5 card Tacked up on a tree
Three miles up ahead.
Next thing i know, We're heading for
Somebody's yard full of junk.
It never happens With my buddies.
I'm never driving around With my buddy, and i go,
"Oh, ritch, look, Look, garage sale !
"Come on, go back, Looks like they had
A pair of shoes back there That might fit you !"
I used to be really afraid of Nuclear war, when i was a kid,
But now i feel kinda safe,
Because i figure We'll all be saved
By the Emergency broadcast system.
Yeah.
So i'm not As worried about it.
What kid of piece of crap-- Who came up with--
If you're not watching t.V. Or listening to the radio,
Do they just Come to your door ?
You know what
The emergency broadcast system Is a test of ?
Uh, is this a test ?
Your remote control.
I just think we, as a country, We need a new enemy.
You know, We were so much happier
When we had communism To blame things on,
And then saddam hussein For that weekend.
You know, everything Was just so much better.
We need a new enemy-- I was thinking canada.
You know, they're kinda Pussies, they're nearby,
And if they don't think We'd bomb them--
I mean, we bombed somalia,
A country Without copper wiring.
That's true.
That's our legacy, you know, Smart bombs, stupid children.
In the next war, We'll probably--
The bombs will be Way too smart and valuable,
We'll just have to drop Illiterate school children
On the country We're fighting.
I was in canada-- the people There, so annoying--
This woman, She's from winnipeg.
She kept asking--
"What do americans Really think about canada ?
"No, really, you can tell me.
What do americans Really think about canada ?"
And i was just like, "We don't.
"Until, you know, we run Out of natural resources,
You guys are pretty safe."
Of course, when That day comes, you know--
"Hey, canada, i don't know How to put this.
We're out of wood-- Get out."
( Music playing )
Jon, you know What the music means.
Our time is up.
Mmm-- i'm smoking A cigarette, relaxing.
You can't do that right now, Because our time is up.
Oh, i'm sorry.